It may have seemed like a thread strung loosely, close to its limit, more so of a noose around one’s neck or a chair barely bearing its weight, as the year has progressed fairly aggressively; fast-paced and oddly ambiguous.
Yes, we met again, 10th of October.
Today, which was supposed to be a good day, to be a day filled with love, laughter, and joy., however, sekarang masih jam 9 pagi and the only emotion i can truly articulate: shitty. It felt like another casual day, no, nothing special today. No, not that I was disrespectful or ungrateful for the years of my life. It’s just that, in recent years, it has become increasingly difficult to just celebrate getting older.
Terlebih lagi, these past few weeks have been such a hell of a ride. I broke down every night, felt like I did everything wrong, hated myself more, messed up everything. I kept getting caught up in my anxieties and overthinking. I couldn’t think properly, and I hurt myself much more. One day, I could perfectly absorb my act of self-love, but the next day, I recognized I was being so pathetic and foolish.
A major downfall that hit me harder than ever, well I guess that was a phase when entering the age 20s. It was hard, definitely. And saying must be easier than done, but hoping in my 20s, i would have greater trust in myself, i might be at my lowest point now, but sure all these pains I have been through made me way stronger than I ever thought, be grateful for every little thing that i have and i had, forgiven myself from the failure, accept that sometimes life can’t go the way i wanted. Maybe all the broken hearts, failures, and rejection that were loaded in my 19s, were a blessing in disguise, all the plans that did not work out and the wishes that did not come true, maybe they will eventually save me. May the wrong person I have met, and everything that was left in the past, will absolutely give me a valuable lesson to be learned. Hoping that 20 will be the year I stop looking for irrational love and surely gonna start loving myself more.
The less dramatic and painful year ahead, life will take me to new places. I hope that when I look back at the age of my 20s, I will be able to smile with delight since I achieved lots of significant things internally. Stay at ease with all that is going on in my life at the moment.
Learned that: although sometimes life makes me feel like i’m the worst person who ever existed, just believe that i am not. And, everything happens for a reason, I might just haven’t understood yet.
Selamat ulang tahun, aku.
